Why Can’t I Make Decisions
Second-Guessing Yourself After Abuse
You’re walking through the grocery store trying to make everyday decisions. What bread should I buy? Which cereal do I want? These decisions shouldn’t be that difficult, but they cause you anxiety.
I remember how difficult it was to make that first decision about where to live. I needed to find an apartment where I could feel safe and that I could afford.
I looked at so many places. I wrote out the pros and cons of each one, sure that if I just analyzed everything hard enough, I would find the right answer. Instead, every list left me more confused, overwhelmed, and afraid of getting it wrong.
I didn't realize it back then, but I wasn't really just comparing apartments. I was searching for proof that I could trust myself enough to choose.
What if the problem isn't that you're bad at making decisions? What if you learned not to trust yourself?
October is Domestic Violence Awareness Month, and I want to spend some time talking about the things that can follow us even after the abuse has ended.
Second-guessing ourselves is one of them.
And it isn't always something other people can see.
You may not be someone who naturally second-guesses yourself.
Maybe you used to make decisions without giving them much thought. You knew what you liked, what you wanted, and what felt right to you. But somewhere along the way that changed.
Sometimes we start describing ourselves by what happened to us.
"I'm just indecisive."
"I've never been good at making decisions."
"I overthink everything."
But research into intimate partner abuse gives us another way of looking at this.
A 2026 study in the Journal of Trauma & Dissociation looked specifically at the doubt women can experience following abuse—doubt about what happened, doubt about the person who harmed them, and doubt about themselves (Lahav et al., 2026).
That last one is important.
Doubt about ourselves.
Because when you've spent enough time being told that what you saw wasn't what you saw, what you remembered wasn't what happened, or what you felt wasn't reasonable, eventually you may begin questioning yourself before anyone else has the chance.
Let's look at some of the reasons this can happen.
1. You learned to question what you saw and experienced
Gaslighting is more than someone lying to you.
Over time, it can cause you to question your own memory, perceptions, and judgment.
In a study of 14 survivors, women described being accused of things they knew they hadn't done and reaching a point where they questioned their own sanity. Researchers found different levels of self-doubt among the women, ranging from deeply questioning themselves to beginning to resist the distorted messages they had been given (Hailes & Goodman, 2023).
Think about what happens when this occurs over and over.
You know what you heard.
But he says that's not what he said.
You know something hurt you.
But you're told you're too sensitive.
You remember what happened.
But you're told you're remembering it wrong.
Eventually the question becomes:
Maybe I am wrong.
Philosopher Andrew Spear describes part of the terrible bind created by gaslighting. If you continue believing the person you love is trustworthy, you may have to begin doubting yourself. But trusting yourself may require acknowledging that this person is deceiving you (Spear, 2019).
That is incredibly difficult to face.
So perhaps it makes sense that even now, part of you still hesitates and asks:
Can I trust what I see?
2. Your decisions weren't always just decisions
Think about what making a decision was like in the relationship.
What you wore.
What you cooked.
Who you talked to.
How long you were gone.
What you spent.
Whether you said yes or no.
A seemingly ordinary choice could lead to criticism, anger, withdrawal, ridicule, or an argument.
So instead of asking:
What do I want?
you may have learned to ask:
How is he going to react?
That question served a purpose.
You were trying to navigate your environment and minimize what might happen next.
Research examining decision-making among women who experienced intimate partner violence has identified patterns including self-blame and a loss of connection with one's own needs and sense of self (Badenes-Sastre et al., 2025).
If you've spent years making decisions based on someone else's reaction, it makes sense that making a decision simply because you want something may feel unfamiliar.
You may finally be free to make your own decisions, but that doesn’t mean making them suddenly feels easy.
3. Living under ongoing stress can make decisions harder
There is also a physical component to this.
When you live under ongoing stress, your body and brain are spending a great deal of energy watching for danger.
Research by Yale neuroscientist Amy Arnsten has shown that stress can interfere with the functioning of the prefrontal cortex—the area involved in things such as planning, working memory, and thoughtful decision-making (Arnsten, 2009; Arnsten, 2015).
To put it simply, when your brain has to stay focused on the question, Am I safe?, it can be much harder to calmly think through another question: What do I want to do?
If you lived in a state of ongoing stress for a long time, it makes sense that making decisions may still feel difficult, even when you are now safe.
That's one reason a simple decision can sometimes feel anything but simple.
4. You may have learned to blame yourself
What happened when something went wrong?
Were you blamed?
Were you told that if you hadn't said something, done something, forgotten something, or reacted a certain way, everything would have been fine?
Over time, those messages can become our own.
Self-blame was one of the most common patterns identified in a recent review examining cognitive difficulties among women who had experienced intimate partner violence (Badenes-Sastre et al., 2025).
Now think about how self-blame affects decision-making.
If I believe that when something goes wrong it must be my fault, every decision carries more weight.
A decision doesn't simply become:
"That didn't work out the way I hoped."
It becomes:
"See? I can't trust myself."
So of course you hesitate.
There seems to be so much riding on getting it right.
5. You may have learned that your choices didn't change anything
You may have heard the term learned helplessness.
For many years, the idea was that when people repeatedly experienced situations they couldn't control, they eventually learned to become passive.
But researchers Steven Maier and Martin Seligman revisited that understanding after decades of additional neuroscience research. Their work suggests something interesting: rather than helplessness being what we learn, the brain can learn control through experiences that show us our actions make a difference (Maier & Seligman, 2016).
Learned helplessness is something I had to work hard to overcome. I had to learn to catch those thoughts and ask myself, What is actually true here? Is this an old pattern telling me that I can't do anything about this? Then I had to practice changing my actions and responding in healthier ways.
And for the woman who wants to follow God...
There can be another layer to second-guessing when faith is important to you.
Sometimes our desire to follow God gets mixed together with our fear of making a mistake.
What if this isn't God's will?
What if I'm not hearing Him correctly?
What if I choose wrong?
And for some women, Scripture may even have been used to reinforce the message that they shouldn't trust themselves.
Perhaps you've heard:
"Lean not on your own understanding."
But somewhere along the way that became:
"You can't trust your judgment."
Those are not the same thing.
Proverbs 3:5–6 calls us to trust God. It does not call us to become women who are terrified to think, discern, seek wisdom, or make a decision.
And I love the reminder in 2 Timothy 1:7:
"For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind." (KJV)
A sound mind.
God is not asking you to live afraid that one imperfect decision will put you outside His care.
So where does this leave us?
Maybe you've been calling yourself indecisive.
Maybe you've been frustrated because you can't understand why you need someone else's opinion before you make a choice.
Maybe you've wondered why you finally make a decision and then spend the next several hours trying to talk yourself out of it.
I hope you're beginning to see this differently.
When you look at what you’ve experienced, it makes sense that making decisions can be difficult.
Maybe you learned that your perceptions couldn't be trusted.
Perhaps your choices once brought consequences.
You may have spent years watching someone else's reactions instead of listening to your own preferences.
Self-blame may have taught you that mistakes weren't simply mistakes; they were evidence that something was wrong with you.
And you may still feel anxious or afraid when you have to make a decision on your own.
Understanding this doesn't make the second-guessing disappear. But it gives us a very different place from which to begin.
Instead of:
"What's wrong with me?"
we can begin asking:
"What happened that taught me not to trust myself?"
And eventually:
"How do I begin rebuilding that trust?"
That's where we're going next.
A question to sit with this week
Before you ask anyone else's opinion, consider this:
What is one small thing I already know I want?
Don't worry about changing anything yet.
Just notice your answer.
Before you ask someone else what they think, is there a small part of you that already knows what you want?
Until next time, May your soul be anchored in the truth.
Jean
Research & Sources
Arnsten, A. F. T. (2009). Stress signaling pathways that impair prefrontal cortex structure and function. Nature Reviews Neuroscience, 10, 410–422.
Arnsten, A. F. T. (2015). Stress weakens prefrontal networks: Molecular insults to higher cognition. Nature Neuroscience, 18, 1376–1385.
Badenes-Sastre, M., Medinilla-Tena, P., Spencer, C.M., & Exposito, F. (2025). Cognitive distortions and decision-making in women victims of intimate partner violence: A scoping review. Psychosocial Intervention, 34(1), 23-35. https://doi.org/10.5093/pi2025a3
Hailes, H. P., & Goodman, L. A. (2023). “They’re out to take away your sanity”: A qualitative investigation of gaslighting in intimate partner violence. Journal of Family Violence, 40, 269-282. https://doi.org/10.1007/s10896-023-00652-1
Lahav, Y., Avidor, S., Gafter, L., & Lotan, A. (2026) Cast with uncertainty: Doubt regarding abuse-related appraisals and trauma-related distress in the face of intimate partner violence. Journal of Trauma & Dissociation, 27(3), 348-369. https://doi.org/10.1080/15299732.2026.2613388
Maier, S. F., & Seligman, M. E. P. (2016). Learned helplessness at fifty: Insights from neuroscience. Psychological Review, 123(4), 349–367.
Spear, A. D. (2019). Epistemic dimensions of gaslighting: Peer-disagreement, self-trust, and epistemic injustice. Inquiry.
This article is for educational purposes and is not mental-health treatment. If you are currently experiencing abuse or are concerned about your safety, contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233), text START to 88788, or visit thehotline.org. If you are experiencing a mental-health crisis or having thoughts of harming yourself, call or text 988.